Road to Nowhere
by SideshowStarlet
Summary: The Dursleys flee their letter filled house, and Harry and Dudley discuss their love-hate relationship in the backseat. Based on the Family Guy song "Road to Rhode Island."


**Road to Nowhere **

_Takes place at the beginning of Philosopher's Stone: The Dursleys flee their letter-filled house, and in the backseat, Harry and Dudley discuss their love-hate relationship. Based on the Family Guy song "Road to Rhode Island." Features slightly different Harry and Dudley and temporarily deaf Vernon and Petunia._****

"Petunia? Fat Man?" Harry called from the backseat of the Dursleys' shiny new car. Neither answered. Vernon, or Fat Man as Harry always called him, continued to drive in a completely random direction, while Petunia, hereafter referred to as "Vile Woman," chewed her tongue anxiously. She must be hungry, Harry thought, as his stomach gave a growl. He was about to say this out loud- he was just working on the _tone_: whether to say this in a jocular, disarming voice to get rid of the paretically _tangible _tension in the car, or to tell his little joke in a pointed, sarcastic voice so they could stop and eat somewhere. Maybe he could achieve a voice that would do both. It was worth a shot. He decided, given the tragic and mysterious deafness of Fat-Man and Vile Woman, that he would tell his cousin Dudley, who would promptly beat him up for his incredible lameness. But in a brotherly sort of way.

"_Stupid Whale and Fellow Evil Genius, Gorilla, Rival, and Friend_": that would be Duddykins' title if it weren't so long. Dudley was special, though. Throughout the years, Harry felt his cousin had more than earned the honor of being referred to by his given name. Also, the name Dudley was so _stupid, _it sounded like an insult right there. Harry wondered briefly whether his aunt had a joke up her sleeve when she named her son Dudley. Nah, she wouldn't have the brains.

He was about to deliver his zinger (in a loud voice, so as to penetrate the deafness of the Fat Man and Vile Woman), when Dudley spoke first.

"Potty, why do you think those people have been writing to you?"

Harry glanced towards the front of the car. Vernon and Petunia appeared, to all intents and purposes, to be stone-deaf. He lowered his voice just in case so Dudley had to lean forward to catch the answer.

"I _know _why they're writing to me. The very first day they sent me a letter, I managed to save it from the Fat-Man's pyromaniac clutches." He handed Dudley the piece of parchment tucked into the ripped envelope that held his first ever Hogwarts letter. " I guess the only reason they're still corresponding with me is that I didn't actually reply until seconds before the Fireplace Incident."

Dudley read the letter with interest. "So you're a wizard?" He said quizzically, "How do you know it's real?"

"Remember when I was seven, and I got suspended for two weeks because they thought I was climbing school buildings?"

Dudley chortled. "Yeah, you still owe me for keeping that secret from Mum and Dad."

"Well, every morning, I'd slip a bunch of money out of Fat-Man's wallet and take the bus somewhere- London, Manchester, out of the suburbs. So I was in London when I discovered a shabby-looking bar called the Leaky Cauldron. It looked like the sort of place that would sell alcohol to young children, so I went in. Well, the bartender wouldn't sell me any beer, but I noticed people gravitating towards a the back exit, which was basically three feet of empty space surrounded on three sides by dingy brick wall. Thinking this was the sort of place that I could score some pot deals, I went out and saw some guy tapping three bricks with a stick. Suddenly, the wall opened up and I discovered a magical world that I never dreamed existed. Dudley, it had people who could do strange things like I could, only it was treated as a _good _thing. I discovered I could practice my strange skill to be able to control it. That way, I could wait until the perfect moment to unleash my power, making the Fat Man and Petunia miserable. Ahh... Dudley, it was wonderful!"

"So, these people and mum and dad don't know that you already know about magic already? I mean, my parents are doing their utmost to make sure you never find out about Hogwarts and magic, and these wizard people are doing whatever it takes to make sure you find out about it. It seems like you're wasting a bunch of people's time."

"So now you're suddenly Mr. Considerate?" Harry pouted. "What happened to the boy who knocked down Mrs. Figg while you were riding your new racing bike."

"She was moving too slow. Survival of the fittest."

"She was wearing _crutches. _God, Dudley, even I have _boundaries_."

"That's not what your primary school teachers said about you. When you could be bothered to come to school, that is."

"Shut up."

"You shut up."

"BOTH OF YOU, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Both Harry and Dudley's heads snapped forward as they quickly shut their mouths. Uncle Vernon had apparently gotten over his temporary deafness. The boys waited silently for about five minutes before Harry decided to test the waters.

"Fat-Man?" He asked cautiously. "Bony-bellied strumpet?" No answer. "Is it OK if Dudley and I do a musical number?" More silence. "It's not exactly a classic. I mean, you'd never hear it on Broadway, but it kind of sums up our feelings for each other." Neither said a word. Harry was amazed. Fat-Man and Petunia must be stone deaf for them to let a semi-gay comment like that slide.

"All right, I think we're safe," Said Dudley. "But what's this about a musical number?"

"Oh, it'll come to you when we get there," Said Harry, his eyes twinkling evilly.

"I thought a freaky school where they teach magic tricks would be your kind of thing. Better than Stonewall High, huh? So, why didn't you reply to the letter when you first got it? It would have saved everyone a lot of trouble."

"Well, partly because it would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. But mainly, I wanted to check out Stonewall High. I wanted to get to _know _the school before the Fall. I know by the time the school year starts, I'll have better things to do than go to school, so I wanted to take a good long look. Anyway, I had to go to the pre-term "Meet the Teachers" banquet before I made up my mind. But after that fiasco, I knew that wasn't the kind of education I wanted for myself."

"That bad, huh?"

"Dudley, they had carrots in the salsa. And chopped-up hot dogs in the salad. And _coconut _cake."

"Just awful."

They were silent for a long time before Dudley spoke again. "Wow, look at all those stars."

Harry glanced out his window to view the sparkling array of crystal skylights, shimmering like angel's diamonds in the soft, velvety sky. "You know," The black-haired boy mused, "I read somewhere that starlight gives you cancer. But then again, what doesn't these days?"

It was one of the rare argument-free moments in the volatile relationship of the two cousins. Harry eyed his cousin, for once considering keeping his mouth shut and not saying what was on his mind. That part, weak from lack of use, suffered a humiliating defeat, and Harry asked bluntly, "Will you miss me?"

"Maybe," Dudley replied cautiously, though Harry knew for certain that he would. "You know there's no way mom and dad will want you to come home for Christmas. We won't see each other until next year. This'll be our last road trip together for a long time. And it officially sucks!"

"Well, it hasn't been all that bad. Remember when I stole that guy's wallet and we spent all the money on that stupid pinball machine? There were _some _moments that were, dare I say, fun."

Suddenly, with out warning trumpets blared and Harry and Dudley, as if by instinct, threw off their seatbelts and started tap-dancing on the backseat.

_"We're off on the road to nowhere, _

_We're having the time of our lives!" _

"Take it, fag!" Harry ordered, just to be annoying. There was no way Dudley could kick his ass in the middle of a musical number.

Dudley obediently belted out _"We're quite a pair of partners, just like Thelma and Louise. 'Cept you're not six feet tall..." _He looked down impressively at his more diminutive cousin.

_"And you're breasts don't reach your knees!" _Harry finished.

"Give it time!" Dudley warned.

_"We're off on the road to nowhere! We're certainly going in style!" _The cousins informed passing vehicles as they tried to look like Runway models.

Dudley put his arm on his cousins shoulders and sang out _"I'm with a kick-ass wizard who has A.D.H.D." _

_"_How dare you!" Harry shouted, eyes widening in pretend shock. _"At least I don't go on waterslides when I gotta pee." _

"I was five!" Dudley screamed outraged. However, he shrugged off this minor offense to join his cousin singing:

"_We've traveled a bit and we've found, _

_Like a masochist in Surrey, _

_We're Nowhere-bound!" _

"Crazy travel conditions, huh?" Dudley commented.

"First class and no class," Harry quipped.

"Whoa," Dudley replied sarcastically, "Careful with that joke, it's an antique!"

_"We're off on the road to nowhere! We're not gonna stop 'til were there" _The cousins belted out, not even caring if nobody was listening, or whether their strange mission was even possible.

"Maybe for a beer," Dudley admitted. _"Whatever dangers we may face, we'll never fear or cry." _He continued.

"That's right!" Harry piped up. _"Until the end of time, fans will never let us die- PLEASE!" _

_"We're off on the road to nowhere, where we could hear Elvis Presley sing!" _

_"We may pick up some schoolgirls and picnic on the grass," _Dudley mused.

_"Mmm-hmm. We'd tell you more but we would have the teachers on our ass!" _

"Yikes," Dudley shuddered.

_"We certainly do get around," _they chorused, then quickly belted out _"Like France's royalty taken from their thrones during the French revolution, we're nowhere bound!" _

_"Or," _they offered as another suggestion _"Like John F. Kennedy traveling towards Dallas, Texas, where he got shot down!"_ They took a deep breath, then half-shouted, half-sung,

_"WE'RE NOWHERE BOUND!!" _

Harry and Dudley took their bows as the fanfare died away. When the song ended, something magical about the atmosphere began to fade. It could have been the fact that both were subconsciously aware of the fact that, in a few short hours, Harry and Dudley would be separated for a whole year. Or maybe because they had finally given voice to their strange love-hate relationship, which they were used to accepting without question or comment.

Or maybe it was the fact that Fat-Man and his Vile Woman were finally cured of their deafness, as evidenced by Vernon, his sanity now reaching the end of its tether, screamed out "IF YOU KIDS DON'T SHUT UP NOW, PETUNIA AND I WILL KILL OURSELVES BY BEATING OUR HEADS REPEATEDLY WITH OUR CELL PHONES! THEN YOU TWO CAN LIVE ON THE STREETS, SURVIVING BY FOOD FROM TRASH CANS - WHICH IS ADMITTEDLY BETTER THAN THE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST WE CAN EXPECT AT THE HOTEL WE'LL BE SPENDING THE NIGHT IN, BUT I DIGRESS. ANYWAY, YOU MAY LIKE IT AT FIRST, UNTIL YOU'RE KIDNAPPED BY THOSE RATHER SUSPICIOUS-LOOKING ARAB MEN- NO, SIR, THAT WASN'T A CRACK ABOUT YOUR RACE; I WAS JUST POINTING OUT THAT YOU LOOKED SUSPICIOUS- AND SOLD INTO WHITE SLAVERY- AHH... WHITE SLAVERY, NOW THAT'S THE SUCKER PATH. THAT, BOYS IS THE PATH YOU TAKE IF YOU DON'T GET A DECENT EDUCATION. WHY, IT'S A ROAD TO NOWHERE..."

_**The end.**_

-Wow. I wrote all that in one sitting. I generally can't sit there and type for that long. I had the idea for this fic for a long time, when I first started thinking that Stewie Griffin kind of reminds me of Harry Potter (Don't ask). I've been wanting to do a Harry Potter/Family Guy crossover where Harry's an evil genius like Stewie Griffin. I've written part of it, and I hope to have it up soon. For now, just think of this fic as a complement to a series that may or may not exist. Anyway, I hope nobody was horribly offended by Vernon's rant at the end. I just wanted it to be like something that would be on Family Guy, the kind of stupid tangent Vernon Dursley would go on, and have the words "Road To Nowhere" in it. _**Read and review. **_

**My Next Fic (hopefully) "From Method to Madness" **

**_Summary: Based on the popular TV show, "Family Guy." Harry shares many traits (evil genius bent on world domination; also exhibited matricidal attempts before his mother was killed by Lord Voldemort). Harry's considerable intelligence is ignored first because he is too young for anything he says to be of importance and because his aunt and uncle don't pay any attention to him. Will he gain the respect he deserves? Will he fill the hole left in his life at the age of one, when the Dark Lord stole his chance to murder his mother? Will he abandon his plans for world domination? Find out soon!  
_**


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